A Guide to Graduate School Applications.

Are you considering applying to graduate school? Are you sure? You really want to do that to yourself? OK, fair enough, it's your choice. Let's talk about the application process and walk through it together. These tips apply to humanities students, but I'm sure the general concepts also apply to the sciences.

1. Pick a field and a degree goal. This may seem obvious, but sometimes in the humanities we can be unsure as to which particular field we want to earn our advanced degrees in. For example, you might have to choose between classical archaeology, Classics (philology), Classical Studies, Comparative Literature, etc. You better fucking decide which one you want: do you want a terminal MA with a teaching certification? Do you want a terminal MA in both languages, or only one? Do you want a PhD that is more interdisciplinary or strictly traditional old-school style? Do you want a marketable degree that is more likely to get you a real job, or do you want to follow your passion and stick with Comp Lit? Fucking decide, asshole.

2. Once you've chosen your field, you better fucking decide why you want to do it. Write that shit down. Go into detail, motherfucker. Take lots of notes on why you want to do it and how you want to do it. This will be the basis of your Personal Statement, or Statement of Purpose.

3. Pick a goddamn writing sample. Make sure it's really fucking good, and you got an A on it. If you don't have a stellar example of your research and writing prowess, then what the fuck are you doing looking at grad schools?

4. Pick a bunch of programs you might want to go to. You can start by checking out where your favorite professors got their degrees, and you can also ask your adviser/mentor for suggestions. You'll want to gather a list of your ideal (top-tier) programs, and a few that are more like safety-schools. Acceptances are basically a fucking crapshoot. If you have perfect fucking GRE scores, then you don't need safety schools, but if you're a normal goddamn human being, then you better have a few.

5. Oh yeah, take the fucking GRE. Take that shit like twice if you have to. It's bullshit, but you have to play the game, or you won't get anywhere.

6. Look at your transcripts, asshole. Seriously, look at that shit. You're going to be sending them to all these programs, so you better know what they're going to see.

7. Get your CV in shape. Ask your adviser to look over your CV and point out your idiocies. That shit is important as fuck.

8. Write your statement of purpose. This may take many hours, many many hours. Ask people to look at it, have it extensively edited. This is motherfucking important, asshole. This shit is how the admissions committee will get a sense of who you are as a person, aside from numbers and grades in a dossier. It should include information about what you've done, what you're doing, and what you want to do. Academic and career goals are vital. Your SOP should be tailored to each individual program, and you should sure as shit be name-dropping left and right like it's your goddamn job.

9. Get fucking organized. Seriously. Make a spreadsheet or something. Keep yourself organized throughout the whole process, and things will go smoothly. Write down all the deadlines and make sure you get on that shit ahead of time.

10. Find the money for the applications. Pull the cash out of your ass, get a credit card with a year of 0% interest, beg your parents, whore yourself out to the community, dip into your savings, sell that tenor sax you'll never have to time to play again. Do whatever it takes, because this shit is fucking expensive as hell. Each application has a fee, and it costs to send transcripts and GRE scores.

11. Deal with the stress. You're going to hate this process, and yourself while it happens, until you are fully committed to a program (probably in April). This shit is fucking stressful. Find something that helps you deal, whether it's running, weightlifting, dwarf-tossing, eating candy, cleaning the house, baking, writing a cynical blog post, having nasty rough sex, or whatever else helps you relieve the tension. Otherwise you might lose your damn mind.

12. Accept failure before you submit the applications. Try to remain optimistic, especially when applying to your top 3. But seriously, you're going to be able to plaster your wall with rejection letters in a few months. Get real. You're not perfect for every single program. Don't take it personally. Suck it up and accept defeat, and realize that you're not a brilliant scholar (yet). And if you do get accepted to every program you apply to, fuck you.

Vegan Health Part III: Sexy Times

Sex: it's awesome. You should do it frequently, and always do it safely. If you are vegan, this may raise some questions and concerns. In this post I will give a quick and dirty overview of how to practice safe vegan sex, to protect your health while you obey your ravenous libido.

Are condoms vegan?
Most of them are not. This brand is: Glyde.


Where can I get condoms?
Many places, my friends. If you are a student at UIUC, go to McKinley, to the Resource Desk, straight ahead when you first walk in. Scan your I-Card and ask for them! They are totally free. I'm willing to bet that any university has a similar service. If you can't get them from there, you can get them at drug stores, grocery stores, gas stations, even the interweb. By the way, it's ok to use non-vegan condoms if your budget is a concern. Don't feel guilty about your purity or whatever. It's better that you use a condom than not.


Is lube vegan?
Most commercial lubes are not. Here are a handful that are, with links to buy them if you can't find them in local stores:
Good Clean Love
Encounter
Sliquid Organics
Hathor
Emerita

What about toys?
These are some places to get toys and accessories which are ethically produced:
The Sensual Vegan
Vegan Erotica
The Vegan Sex Shop

How often should I use a condom?
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

How do I bring up safety with my partner? Is it awkward?
Seriously, if you are considering any sort of contact with someone's boy- or lady-parts, you need to bring this up in conversation ahead of time. You can do it over a romantic dinner, over drinks, at a movie, over coffee, while the clothing is still on, while the clothing is coming off, or at any point leading up to "stick it in!". Just make sure you at least talk about it before consummating your lust: "I'm clean, are you clean? When's the last time you got tested? Got the condoms?" Any responsible partner will gladly answer these questions, if s/he hasn't already asked you the very same.

Do vegans taste different?
Yes.

Can a vegan still swallow baby batter?
That depends on why you're vegan. If you do it strictly to avoid consuming any animal products whatsoever, then no. If you do it for sustainability reasons, then yes. If you do it for the animals, then yes. There is generally no cruelty involved in producing baby batter, so go for it. But use caution: if said baby batter comes from a non-vegan, it might have adverse affects on your stomach which is not used to processing animal proteins.

But seriously, a condom every time?
YES. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

Now. Go forth and have some fun, safe sex. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask (in the comments or by email).

Vegan Health Part the Second: Nutrition Follow-up

I received the other results from my blood tests: my B12 level is fine, but my vitamin D level is a bit low (27, when normal is >30). Looks like I have to add a supplement in addition to my daily multivitamin. The recommended solution is 1000 units per day of vitamin D; I picked up an inexpensive bottle of vegan supplements. Problem solved!